Lies my Parents Told Me

Last updated on 13 April 2016

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It’s a duck family because…well, parents…children. You get the idea. Photo by me.

I’m not talking about major lies that drastically changed my life, lies like ‘this colour is yellow’ when they were pointing at blue things (that would be a horrible lie…). I’m talking about the little things that they might not have even realised they were saying, or that I would remember. But oh the things I remember.

Lie #1: “Conditioner is for getting the knots out of your hair”
Okay, so partly true, but Mum you should have elaborated! Until I was 15 years old (15!) I thought that that’s all conditioner did: got out the knots, and I had never used it because I never had knotty hair. It wasn’t until a school friend told me that conditioner is actually for conditioning your hair, and that it was actually important.

Lie #2: “You’ll get stuck”
‘What?’ you ask. ‘That was probably true.’ Not the case. I would always clamber up every single tree I could find. But I have never ever been stuck up a tree. Ever.

Lie #3: “One day, you’ll make the onion cry.”
I’m still waiting for ‘one day’.

Lie #4: “If you swallow those seeds, an apple tree will sprout from your ears.”
Yup. Dad used to say this to me. I do believe he was making it up. The amount of seeds I’ve consumed in my 23 years well out weigh the pieces of fruit I’ve eaten, or probably will ever eat. And is there a tree any where on me? No. Negative. You lie.

Lie #5: “You’ll get square eyes.”
Ever get this one? When you’re getting really into a TV programme and suddenly your parents tell you to get away and sit back otherwise ‘you’ll get square eyes’. Well, let me tell you, parents, that I have been staring at screen ever since then nearly every day of my life, and as far as my shape-differentiating goes, I’m pretty confident to declare that my eyes are more oval than square.

Lie #6: “Lie on your back! You’ll float!”
Said to the child who a) hated the swimming pool and b) couldn’t keep her bum up. Sinking was a thing. All the time. I swear guys, I was lying on my back, just like they told me! But every time I got water up my nose and slowly sank below the surface. Don’t get me wrong, I can swim if I need to, but it’s not my thing. Not such a good floater.

Lie #7: “Anjali, I’m really sorry, but Marmalade died last night. He tried to escape from his cage, and he got stuck and froze to death.”
This was the worst lie. Ever. When I was about 8 or 9, I had this beautiful guinea pig (the first of many, actually). He was the best thing ever. He was super friendly (not normal for a guinea pig), and he came when he was called, he like sitting on my lap and eating lettuce and being generally cute. Dad told me one morning that Marmalade had been crushed by his cage, but I learnt only last.freaken.year that the real story was Dad was moving his cage in the dark, and he landed the cage (it didn’t have a bottom) on top of Marmalade and crushed the poor little guy. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Parents and future parents: tell you kids when you kill their pets straight away! It’s worse if you leave it till ‘they can handle it’. I’m 23 now, and I CAN’T HANDLE IT!

Lie #8: “You have an ulcer? You must have been telling lies!”
Well then I bet YOUR MOUTH IS FULL OF THEM.